Not out of rebellion but out of obedience March 17, 2011

Sometimes I am so amazed at my life.

[for the past year and a half i have been working at starbucks. everyone at work knows that i am a christian, that i take it seriously. i've entered into community with the partners and see my purpose there as missional. a few months ago I prayed, and God told me that whether or not I stayed at starbucks didn't really matter. but if I am to stay at Starbucks, not to dangle on aimlessly, instead be diligent in praying for His power to MOVE there. Or else don't be there at all.

Last weekend 2 friends from work came with me on a women's retreat at my church, and I went with them to St Patricks Day in NYC.]

I really could never have imagined it. I think some people plan their whole lives out, but I couldn’t see mine coming, no way. Following Jesus is an extraordinary, exciting adventure. Its this weird mixture between being on a straight, narrow obedient path; rooted, grounded, safe, and firm, very real direction, and– a wild goose chase; following whims, treasure hunts, spontaneity, risk, gut, wherever the wind blows.

I read once that  Celtic Christians had a name for the Holy Spirit–An Geadh-Glas, or ‘the Wild Goose.’ The name hints at mystery. Like a wild goose, the Spirit of God cannot be tracked or tamed. An element of danger, an air of unpredictability surround Him.

How is it that I find myself, two years out of college in the places where I am in my life? God is very creative, and there is nothing quite as satisfying as just getting tossed around by the wind (in a good way, not the Ephesians 4:14 way). And yet, having a rock-solid idea of where its all going, what the purpose is, a guideline within to work, a steady love that is the pulse and life of it.

Today was so much fun.

You know, when I learned how to be “missional”, I learned ONE type of it. Knocking on doors and handing out tracks and standing on sidewalks in tourist towns. Then I graduated and realized that I had to make a way in my own life to be missional and it came out looking very different. I have learned to be in community over time and witness in a slow and patient, steady manor. They see me at my best, and my worst, and frequently call me out on the places where I need to be more “Christian”. (Yes they will tell me to live by my own standards pretty often and i’m appreciative of that.) Its been a year and a half and, with all sorts of spiritual conversations and diverse experiences.

If you asked me a year ago, two years ago, heck, even in high school, if I thought I’d ever do St. Patrick’s Day in New York city and go to bars, you would get a pretty confident ‘no’. That’s not my thing, not my idea of fun. Yet here I find myself, in love with Jesus, with a life full of satisfaction, connected in church (or two), in full-time ministry– going to bars, drinking, house parties, learning beer pong, all sorts of adventures; not out of rebellion, but actually out of obedience. Crazy. Not out of curiosity from being sheltered, or out of desire to try new things, but actually out of a desire to remain true, to run deep, keep constant. Not out of wanting to change who I am or fit in, but out of a longing to be authentic and stand out. Not out of rebellion but out of obedience.

sometimes, however, being incarnational seems a little unfair. why must I go out of MY way, to do things I don’t want to, that don’t interest me, “oh here Jenna just try this” , “oh please come with us”. I don’t want to! and then try to use that to prove that actually, no, I am different. I think its a tricky balance. Cause if I ask someone to try my experience of life, its being “pushy”,”shoving your religion on me”, scary, radical, etc. My faith constantly calls to be a push over, in some sense of the word. Turn the other cheek, forgive a million times over, go where they go, sit where they sit, go be on the world’s turf.

I sometimes get discouraged by a thought, (which is likely the evil one) that comes afterward. This thought that “the world” or this community that I’m in, is winning. That the more things I try and be a part of and attend, the more times they say try this and eat that and come with us here, the more times they win. Misery loves company and it cant stand to see someone satisfied some other way. Every time I give way, be “pushed over” by “peer pressure”, in an attempt to gain trust, it feels like they win. One more step towards corrupting Jenna, and they know it. A “win” for (seeming to) convince Jenna to do more things. Yet I know full well that these things are neither illegal, nor harmful FOR ME in my relationship with God. They are not reputation-tarnishing or unwise. I honestly wouldn’t do them if they were. I do have limits, and morals for that matter. But I feel like they are winning. Perhaps I over look how many times I’ve invited them to experience God and to step further into my world, because they are less obvious steps. There’s a chance my invitations to try more of God are fewer than theirs to me but I actually don’t think that is true. Perhaps I over look the times they’ve stepped further into my world, because I don’t have a cheer section of other people with words of affirmation like they do. Its 2 versus 20.  And perhaps, more than anything, I overlook the fact that Jesus has already won. So I do not need to keep a tally of how far either side is getting. And, perhaps I have to be okay with not looking like I’m winning all the time. That seems like The Way that Jesus means, however frustrating that becomes.

But this is where God has led me. To spend countless hours grocery shopping, going out to eat, going to parties, hookah bars, learn how to drink an irish car bomb, to find out what weed smells like, to figure out how to make meaningful conversation with sorority girls, learn some interesting vocabulary, to be flexible, to be invitational, and to get messy.

I could write about each thing that happened and what drinks I drank and who said what and who did what stupid thing and what we joked about. But I think THAT is glorifying it, versus just being there. THAT condones it versus “being there for my friends”.

and as long as i remain rooted, that my mission is still Jesus, love, and helping people find new life, then this is awfully fun! I’m really thankful that I didn’t quit Starbucks. There is a part of me that is very fulfilled by the purpose that I serve in being there, being salt and light.

—– you know whats crazy? random after-thought:  If I didn’t love Jesus, I would just say no to everything. Before I was a Christian I was super against drinking and hanging out with strange agents. I kept to the friends who watched movies and went bowling and went to concerts, didn’t curse, and had curfews. When some of those friends got a little too ‘out-there’ for me, I just peaced on them.

The same thing would have been true of this now. (If I didn’t know Jesus) I would not go out with people from work, I wouldn’t participate in their conversations, I would likely put them down or criticize their choices. I would just go home from work and find friends elsewhere.

But now, because my heart has found the love that sets me free, I am free from being so concerned with myself. I am (not much) more patient, more understanding, and actually choosing to place myself in those uncomfortable places, instead of retreating from them. I am less self-filled.

Jesus has transformed me.