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Today was incredibly overwhelming. October 10, 2009

Posted by highofseventyfive in documenting life.
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Today was incredibly overwhelming.
i cried a couple times. you know thats bad then, huh. they just threw me on the register. and well, i hate messing up, i hate being wrong, i hate feeling stupid, i hate letting customers down, and doing things wrong, and being flustered. i mean, i can take it for a little while. but like THE WHOLE DAY! i was really about to cry AT the register but that would have been a little ridiculous. i’m a tough cookie, i’m sure other people would have just given up. i was pretty close to it. i don’t think it was a very smart way of training me. but whatever. maybe i just need to study more.
it really put me in a bad mood. and i think they could tell. i guess i started to feel a little “abused”. i mean, i know i’m new, so i know that i’m going to be the one to clean, and sweep and take out garbage. i know that. but somehow after the overwhelming stuff, i didn’t want to be helpful anymore. i’ll get over it.

i’m thinking i might want to start seeing a counselor or something. i can’t expect my friends to listen to me all the time. plus i feel like i don’t see/talk to anyone on a regular enough basis, where its not boat-loads of catching up and explaining things. its just too much. i hate the fact that i’m surrounded by amazing people who care about me, and i still feel so alone. i dont understand why i feel that way. i have so many decisions and things going on in my life, and i can’t seem to find a good way to deal with it. i mean, i haven’t been dealing with it in a bad way, just no way at all.

Jesus, i need you so much right now. i need you to help me see things through a lens of gratefulness, of blessings, and contentment. I need to feel your presence and your direction. I need your strong hand to uphold me. Will you remove the confusion? Will you end the waiting? I don’t want the situations to change, I want my attitude about them to change. well, actually i want the situations to change too, but i know that’s not the best way to pray.

heck, i’ve been stressed out about finding a good time to bring my car in to the shop for an oil change. maybe this week is just, a good test for me.

and i don’t even get my sunday off. i just really need ONE day to just recoup. i guess i had opporunities to rest during the week, but chose to fill them up, with things and people, because it helps me not think. but then it all snowballs and i become a wreck. who knows. i don’t know how to pace myself, to handle myself. i need help.

this is what growing up is.

purpose: to put, place September 16, 2009

Posted by highofseventyfive in Uncategorized.
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Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

last night, elizabeth brought up an excellent point. Jesus didn’t do anything “worthwhile”, or, he didn’t start his ministry, until he was 30.

huh, doesn’t that take the pressure off quit a bit? i mean, here i am 22,  graduated college, and all of a sudden i expect to be making great change in the world, having a job with health insurance, paying my college loans, finding a place to live, start having “purpose”. well? we’re so antsy these days, with no patience for the things God has stored up for us. The pressure from the world to leave college and become a fully-realized purposeful person is seemingly insurmountable.

how do I know that my super duper awesome mind boggling purpose isn’t until I’m 30? or 82? or that i’ve already had it? (how bout THEM apples). apparently my only job is what it says in

Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

Romans 12:2, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this word, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is– his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

a quick study on Purpose:

[Middle English purpos, from Anglo-Norman, from purposer, to intend : pur-, forth (from Latin prō-; see pro-1) + poser, to put; see pose1.]

Purpose is the cognitive awareness in cause and effect linking for achieving a goal in a given system, whether human or machine. Purpose serves to change the state of conditions in a given environment, usually to one with a perceived better set of conditions or parameters from the previous state. This change is the motivation that serves the focus of control and goal orientation.

“There is a fundamental human need for guiding ideals that give meaning to our actions”, states Roger Fisher. Renowned psychiatrist Victor Frankl’s premise is that ‘man’s search for meaning’ is the primary motivation of his life. He speaks of the ‘will to meaning’ as opposed to Freud’s’ ‘will to pleasure’ and Friedrich Nietzsche’s ‘will to power’.

First attested in cpurposewordle.1290, from earl Old French porpos “aim, intention”, purpose is related to from porposer “to put forth,” from Vulgar Latin corruption of por- “forth” (Latin pro- “forth”) and Old French poser “to put, place”.[1] Purpose is related to the term pose used from 1374 as to “put in a certain position,” or “suggest, propose, suppose, assume,” a term use in Late Latin debating (c.300–c.700) from pausare “to halt, rest, pause”.[2]

[Middle English purpos, from Anglo-Norman, from purposer, to intend : pur-, forth (from Latin prō-; see pro-1) + poser, to put; see pose1.]

(make one of these! its from Wordle)

so if the word purpose could also mean: aim, intention, put forth, to put, place, put in a certain position, suggest, propose, suppose, assume, halt, rest, pause. This forces us to ask a few questions.

can you acquire purpose? can you earn or ask for it? or must it be delegated, designated? is it an action or just a state of being? does there need to be an achievable goal to have it? Is a purpose the same as a reason? it seems like, purpose is doled out like the newspapers are thrown on your driveway. It is put there, then, and only then, does purpose exist. So someone has to do the putting. We put purpose into something for a reason. We say, “well the purpose of what i’m doing is to _____”, or “my purpose is to ______”. There is a reason, an aim, a goal, that gives something enough value to consider it purpose. To consider that something was MADE to achieve this goal, really is just because of the placement of its value upon it. It is set, rested, placed, paused, at the place it needs to be.

We can give purpose to light switches, guitars, and processes like evaporation, but that is because we can see both the beginning and the end. And really, even that could be subjective. The purpose of a guitar for me, is to be played, to make music. The purpose of it for someone else might be to smash it at a rock show.

We have decided that it is reasonable to conclude that the purpose of evaporation is to get water back in the sky, so it can more easily travel by the wind, to somewhere else, to rain and water the ground. But the only reason we can say that, is because we watched water come down, go back up, and come back down again. We see it keeping a cycle going, and keeping life on our planet.

I don’t think that we can give ourselves purpose. I think our job is to discover our already pre-determined purpose. Can you do enough good things to earn purpose? I guess so; you could win enough votes to run an office; You could see a need, and invent yourself into the solution. But still, in order to actually obtain purpose, it needs to be acknowledged or approved of, by some higher or other source.

Is purpose only purpose if a clear goal is within vision? Can something be purposeless? In my thinking, nothing can be without purpose, because God is a god of order. Everything has purpose. We have purpose. Our ultimate purpose, as far as I can tell from the Bible, is to glorify God and be in relationship with Him. This is the aim and intention suggested and put forth by God. He has placed value in us. Our mini-purposes are many and constant. I think what gets in the way is, reason. What is the reason that we must glorify God? Why must we be in relation with Him? Why? And so we confuse purpose and reason, and feel that we need a reason to have a purpose.

Reason:  Reason, cause, motive are terms for a circumstance (or circumstances) which brings about or explains certain results. A reason is an explanation of a situation or circumstance which made certain results seem possible or appropriate: The reason for the robbery was the victim’s display of his money. The cause is the way in which the circumstances produce the effect, that is, make a specific action seem necessary or desirable: The cause was the robber’s extreme need of money. A motive is the hope, desire, or other force which starts the action (or an action) in an attempt to produce specific results: The motive was to get money to buy food for his family.

“Purpose serves to change the state of conditions in a given environment”. Our purpose is to love God, but God is never-changing. So, loving God must actually mean not change in Him, but in us and our environment. Funny! Our purpose seemingly for someone else, is actually for us! Now, don’t loop that around and say our purpose then is for ourselves. That is where the world has gone completely wacky. But, if God intends for us to love Him, and receive His love, that is in turn transformative. And since there is only one end of the equation to be changed, loving God changes us. Our purpose is to start to match God, not only in “image” but in totality (heart, character, virtue, holiness). God knows what is best for us, because He created us, and put forth our purpose. To match him, to reflect him, to pour him out, is to glorify him.

Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

comments welcome.

growing up, can i take it back? August 28, 2009

Posted by highofseventyfive in documenting life, just thoughts, Uncategorized.
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if this is growing up, can i take it back? where’s the receipt? maybe i can just make an in-store exchange, that’s fine too.

i don’t know where else to write this besides here, because i don’t want people telling me i’m ruining everything or being a party pooper.

so, if you see this, its because you potentially care about me and my thoughts. and these are my thoughts.

ENOUGH PEOPLE GETTING ENGAGED ALREADY! no more. please. just stop. thank you kindly– the management

c&c,   a&m,   c&d,  a&b,  c&c,   j&k,   t&d,   k&t,  k&b,  k&d,  t&m,  l&j,   j&l

and not to mention all the recent couples (not engaged) too.

this is my facebook friends statistics: Single (207), In a Relationship (162), In an Open Relationship (1), Engaged (34), Married (73), It’s Complicated (3), None Listed (305). As you can see, i have 207 single friends,  34 engaged friends, 73 married friends, and 162 friends in relationships. that is, 207 single friends, to 269 friends in some relationship.

Now, I KNOW these stats are way off. first of all stupid people say they are married to their roommates or whatever. and also, there are 305 friends who are “none listed”. also consider i am probably not actually friends with 1/4 of these people.. but STILL. 207/269


enough of this nonsense. i just dont like growing up i suppose. see, here’s a theory i think i just stumbled upon. ok. so i’m totally fine with being single. i have been single for 22 years of my life minus 5 months. (not counting the 5th grade marriage at recess, ha) it comes quite naturally to me. its nice not having to work at something and always call someone or show up to all their family stuff, or keep track of them, or start to like their hobbies and whatever. i do, i rather enjoy my independence. and i have lots of friends to talk to and do fun things with. the problem lies when all those said friends, are now paired off, and consequently forget about you in their obsession. they proceed to only do things together, with each other, never thinking to bother to include others, but if they do, they invite other couples.

consequently, after this then, being single is not as fun, only because you have no friends left. (exaggeration) but, i believe my point is made. who will call you just to talk, or will you be the first to hear about their day or some exciting news? no, because you have been slowly replaced, time and again, by– boyfriend.

thats the only real problem.

there are some people, who are extraordinarily good at remaining friends while dating/engaged/married. i appreciate those rare few in my life VERY much.  i want to be like them someday. and they know who they are because they still HAVE friends, and the friend consequently tell them how good they are at still having friends.

i personally think its ridiculous, that i’m 22, i have grey hair, and i have 34 friends who are engaged. next summer, we’ll all be broke. gosh.

and so, let the jealousy stew. tomorrow i’ll be fine. unless someone else gets engaged….

Why Facebook Relationship Status Updates Are Evil

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