cry in my throat, water in my eyes August 27, 2009

so, I like sound of crickets.

today was, a good day. i slept terribly last night, kept waking up and having all sorts of awful dreams. woke up around 10 finally, ran a few errands, went to work from 1-5. went and hung out dinner and a movie with derouvi. it was nice just the two of us. she’s super duper. kind of upset that no one else could make it and it couldn’t be a get together for networking/encouragement, but w/e.

the movie, Post Grad, summed up ALOT of what i’ve been feeling. but then of course, at the end of hte movie she gets her dream job, realizes she doesn’t want it , and moves to new york on a whim and is in love with a boy and happily ever after. i kinda wish the movie just ended with her still living at her parents house for a whole year and dealing with all the stuff in her town or something.

carol burnett is hilarious though.

after the movie we parted ways, at 9ish. and i broke down. i cried and cried and just drove aimlessly for about an hour, through west windsor in the fields (not actually IN the fields of course) until i hit  rt 130 and then drove ALL the way back from near hightstown. and cried, and cried and cried. and kept track number 9, “out of the ground” by John Mark Mcmillan on repeat. i really like the electric guitar in it. they are hauntingly epic.

i miss college SO MUCH. tonight was the ice cream social. part of the first week of school NSO. its like, eating me alive. today i took a little time to be with God, but, a distracted short time before work. and the verse I read was  Hebrews 12:3 which says

“Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

well, I’m not really sure where i’m at, if i’ve lost heart or not. it seems so silly probably, to others, to be so “oh woe is me” all the time, about–college. but there is something severely life-altering by my graduation. I’ll say it again i’ve never loved anything more than college. and what is so terrible, is it seems like i can’t go visit for a certain amount of time. but maybe i will give up on what people might think of me, or what i’m “allowed” to do. maybe i’ll just invade territory that is no longer mine. maybe i’ll be selfish. maybe i’ll just show up all the GD time. maybe i’ll just always be there. and people wont know the difference. and i wont care. and i’ll live in a dream.  i’ll be a crazy person. i’ll live in denial of the break up of the thing that stole my heart. not a boy, but a time. an era. a place. a feeling. a mission field.

i cannot WAIT to serve on campus. to really BE there. and actually have a good reason. this in the meantime business is absolutely killing me. and whats strange, is this is seeming less and less like a call from God, and more and more like fullfilling my own strong desires. Am I just doing this to avoid the “real world” or trying to live in some sort of fairy tale?

No, I’m glad I’m going through this time. its absolutely terrible. And i think instead, its reinforcing my deep longing for the campus. its not REALLY for me, deep down. Its for the fact that there is no other place that has felt more like my mission field, no other place that I felt truly purposeful. There are so many broken, hurt, empty people who need Jesus. Jesus deserves the glory and my obedience.  I have never seen somewhere with such potential, such life, vitality, and experiment. its exquisite, romantic. yes. campus minstry. sounds so blah when it rolls off the tounge. i should come up with another word for it. because it is so much much much much much much more.

someone should have done a better job preparing us for this.

oh and on another note that tends to bother me: everyone and their flipping uncle is getting engaged! i’m sorry, but it just feels like a stab in the gut everytime another couple gets engaged. we are LIKE  2o something! gosh! and pretty soon i’ll have no friends left. and next summer, i will the most broke as a joke person, how are we going to do all these weddings!?! c&c, j&k, c&d, t&d, k&t, and now maybe if facebook informs me correctly, a&m?

i’d much rather just be happy for them. oh yes. i would.

and i really should avoid facebook. it shows me how the world has turned and left me here.